When you break your promise to blog daily,

the next time you blog it must be double the entries, i.e. content intended for two days’ writings. Nonetheless since I am currently at work, I need to not eat up too much of my work time to blog about non-work stuff. As obviously I do not blog about work stuff here. I only b****h and complain about work; I am not in the mood to be DI-ed for direct violation of the code of business practice.

Anyway.

I am being reminded over and over, by both my intuition and my conscience, of the utmost, top-priority importance of having a constant communication with my beloved. I must make sure that the beloved understand 120% what I need, what I want and what I can do for him. I need to overcome my shyness (yes, I am still shy with him after 1 year and 4 months!) and let him know in no uncertain term what I need. Alas, my weakness has always been thinking with my heart and speaking with my mind. So I unintentionally hurt people with my choice of words when I mean well. I seriously need to continue polishing the art of thinking with my mind and speaking with my heart.

Damn, had a distracting 10-minute phone call to answer general inquiries about the business that I do. I know it’s customer first and I do enjoy reassuring people, but I would feel much better taking my time doing it if this part of the job is the only job I need to handle.  Sheesh. Here we go again, right?

I seriously could not pinpoint the exact time I started this negative downward spiral of too-many-things-that-I-cannot-do mindset. Could it be back in my CM planning days where nothing I did appear to meet the actual expectation? Or is this just-obey-my-orders-do-not-question-or-you-will-risk-my-firm-put-down thing I had since forever, being brought up by a conservative father, simply making its appearance in my fear to question things and do things the way I feel right? Am I just fed up of being chastised and criticised hence I decide to not decide anything at all?

Such deep, thought-provoking questions. Such a big hurdle to relearn and regain the confidence of youth. But then, don’t I always know that nothing good comes easy? And whatever dark phases I went through in my life, were those not to build my strength and capacity in handling dark matters come what may? I know for sure that my sorely tested faith and tattered heart during those years has survived, albeit with deep scars. The fears remain. But is it not high time I raise above the fear and soar towards the sky?

I have so many things going on well right now. I have more to gain and nothing to lose. So be it.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

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